After searching for a mattress

on the web for over a month,

sifting through reviews and forums,

reading the litany of kudos and complaints,

he began to see his whole life

in terms of ratings.

He missed the five star romps

of his insouciant youth

and rated his present marriage

no better than a two,

three for ease of use and durability,

one for frequency of sex

and quality of conversation,

That placed him in the middle

of his age range,

which had a failure rate

nearly double that of their parents.

He fooled around with two girls on the side,

a four and five respectively,

but soon his wife  got wind of it

and packed her bags,

taking with her the new bed and mattress

but leaving him the sofa to sleep on.

The sofa, alas, was like hus marriage,

peeling at the edges and lacking support.

Only thirty percent of respondents

said they would buy it again.

(Originally published in Tulip Tree Review)