(Lucky Luciano’s version of the Jonah story)

 

Never cross Da Boss.

He asks him to go down to Ninevah,

set the gang there straight,

no rough stuff, just a little par-lay,

and Jonah says just kill them all.

 

What kinda way is that

to talk to God?

So Jonah, sensing that

He’s really pissed,

lays low on a boat

bound for Tarshish

but Da Boss He sends

one big friggin’ storm

and the crew,

pinning it on the new guy,

toss him in the drink.

 

Jonah’s about to sink

when Big Pussy swoops past

and swallows him up.

Three days and nights in solitary,

reeking of raw fish,

pleading with Da Boss to spring him.

Finally He shoves two fingers

down Big Pussy’s throat

and he vomits Jonah  up

like last night’s pasta fazool.

 

But the sun is hotter than Vegas

and Jonah is redder than

a Swede in the Sahara

so Da Boss He grows him a tree

and he’s got it made in the shade.

Except He also sends a worm

which munches and crunches until

the branches are as bare

as a bambino’s bottom.

 

Jonah starts to bawl.

Shaddup says Da Boss,

you cry your heart out over

one lousy tree

yet you wanted to ice

all the guys in Ninevah.

You have a point, he admits.

Of course I do, says Da Boss, I’m God,

let’s have a drink and make it up.

 

And that is how Jonah,

like Abraham and Moses before him,

becomes a made man.

 

(Originally published in Storyacious)