One look at me,
You can tell that I’m no Irishman.
The hallmark of my race
Is stamped upon my face
Like an appellation controlee
Affixed to a bottle of French wine

As my father used to say,
A Jewish nose
Is nothing to be sneezed at.
Bulbous with a distinctive curve,
In certain members of our family,
It drooped so low,
They could touch it with their tongue

More than a mark of authenticity,
To goyim it defined
Our very character.
A Jewish nose was thought to be
A sign of Jewish lechery
In the commedia del arte
The player with the largest nose
Strapped on
Also had the largest shlong.
Christian fathers kept
Their daughters hid
Lest they fall prey
To the hot-blooded yid.

A Jewish nose also meant
Jewish greed.
Our desire for lucre at any cost
Was simply insatiable.
Will that be all, Mrs Goldberg,
They asked us at
The local delicatessen.
No give me a pound
Of Christian flesh,
Make it lean, no fat,
And toss in a few junk bonds.
We could sniff out
A good bargain as well
And Jew the sucker down.
We might have eyes
As Shylock pleaded,
We might bleed if pricked,
But God supersized
Our noses
Because air was free.
.

I’m sorry to confess that
Despite my huge proboscis
I don’t measure up.
As my wife can attest,
My endowment is let’s say
Underfunded,
And as for lechery,
I’d rather stay home
With a good book.
What’s more,
I’m cheated far more often
Than I cheat.
My investments tank.
When I lend money,
I never get it back.
I pay list price.
I overtip.

I’d like to apologize
To all the goyim of the world,
But especially my wife,
For failing to meet
Their expectations.

(originally published in Poetica)