After searching for a mattress
on the web for over a month,
sifting through reviews and forums,
reading the litany of kudos and complaints,
he began to see his whole life
in terms of ratings.
He missed the five star romps
of his insouciant youth
and rated his present marriage
no better than a two,
three for ease of use and durability,
one for frequency of sex
and quality of conversation,
That placed him in the middle
of his age range,
which had a failure rate
nearly double that of their parents.
He fooled around with two girls on the side,
a four and five respectively,
but soon his wife got wind of it
and packed her bags,
taking with her the new bed and mattress
but leaving him the sofa to sleep on.
The sofa, alas, was like hus marriage,
peeling at the edges and lacking support.
Only thirty percent of respondents
said they would buy it again.
(Originally published in Tulip Tree Review)